What Have I Done to Deserve This?
‘jose’
For any person with HIV a mis-reading of Scripture can trigger particularly harmful thoughts and beliefs. Here ‘Jose’ reflects on how a better understanding of Scripture has helped him to begin to address religiously generated internalised-HIV-stigma.
As a gay man living with HIV, it’s hard not to sometimes fall into the trap of thinking that my suffering is a punishment from God, like living with HIV might be divine retribution for my sexual orientation. Even though Jesus teaches us that illness is not a punishment for sin (John 9:3) that lingering thought, “Why me? What have I done to deserve this?” can creep in, especially in the early days of diagnosis.
It’s often said that the Bible teaches that homosexual behaviour is wrong. But is that really what it says?
Last March, at the Jesuit Centre in Mayfair, Dr. Nicolete Burbach in collaboration with Martin Pendergast, guided us through the biblical texts that mention homosexuality. What stood out to me is that the Bible never explicitly addresses homosexuality as we understand it today, as a pattern of same-sex attraction and love. The references are more complex, often tied to specific cultural, ritual, or historical contexts.
Can we ever truly read the Bible from a purely objective point of view? I don’t think so. As a gay man living with HIV, I approach scripture through the lens of my own experience. I try to be as objective as possible, but inevitably, I find myself searching for people like me in its pages, trying to find hope, reflection, and understanding. If I were someone with a radically homophobic perspective, I would likely find verses to reinforce that too. That’s the challenge (and the danger) of selective reading.
As a Christian, I try to follow Christ’s example. In Matthew 5:17, Jesus says: “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfi l them.” So, when I read in Leviticus, that a man who lies with another man should be put to death, I must ask: what does that mean for me? Am I condemned, or is this part of a broader set of laws intended to distinguish the ancient Israelites from other nations?
After all, the same chapter prohibits breeding different kinds of animals, planting two kinds of seed in one fi eld, or wearing clothes made from mixed fabrics.
Cherry-picking verses can be a dangerous business.
Take, for example, the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, often cited as a condemnation of homosexuality. But a closer reading shows that what truly angered God was the city’s violent in hospitality, especially toward vulnerable strangers. Despite that, the term “sodomite” became a shorthand for homosexuals for centuries.
Even Paul’s letters, where he calls certain behaviours “unnatural”, require nuance. In the cultural and historical context of his time, “unnatural” could refer to acts outside the accepted norms, including idolatry or pagan practices, not just sexuality.
In the end, interpretations vary. But I return again and again to Jesus’ words: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind - and love your neighbour as yourself.” Everything else in the Law and the Prophets hangs on these two commandments.
So maybe the real question isn’t “What have I done to deserve this suffering?” but rather, “What have I done to deserve the constant, unequivocal, all-forgiving love of Jesus?”
And the answer, humbling as it is, might simply be: Nothing. And everything. That’s grace.
